Okay, it's time to admit it to myself....
I'm miserable.

Not so much depressed.....just....as someone so aptly put it before...."empty."  I know why too.  It's this damned hatred of the major I selected.
Let me put it this way...the very night I declared was the very first time I *ever* actually wanted to drink and get drunk.  Of course, at the time I was inexperienced in the field and so grabbed the first thing I found in my dad's liquor closet.  I believe it was Scotch - and I drank it straight.  I positively <i>hated</i> the taste and so had to stop before I even got tipsy.  But the fact remains that declaring nursing when I didn't really want to really stressed me out.
So why did I declare nursing if I didn't want to?  I was backed into a corner.  I had completed my second year in college, and I still hadn't declared anything.  I had always thought that something would come to me....but it never happened.  So the time came when my couselor was like "look, you gotta declare something." And as my mother and father had REALLY wanted me to go into nursing....and because they talked about it so much....it was the first thing that came into my head and so I just blurted it out.
Of course now my parents say "well if you're not happy, then switch!"  But whenever I bring the subject up they (particularly my mom) take it personally, like I'm trying to blame my current unhappiness on them.  So eventually the conversation just ends up with "so why don't you just drop out of college then and work at McDonalds!"  It's very frustrating....

I thought I'd managed this.  I thought I was okay with it now....that I had convinced myself that I'll get a degree in nursing (cuz my parents claim that's all they want....me to have a degree in SOMETHING....and they're disappointed that I'm in my 4th year of college but won't get a degree for at least another year)..  After I get my nursing degree I'll use that to pay to go back to school to study something i actually want to.  I thought I wasn't upset about it anymore, and I was moving on with life and being happy.  But lately it's come to my attention that i have not.  I've just kinda....pushed it to the side.  Sure, I have my happy moments...but when that comes down, it goes back to being.....almost sad.  It's driving me crazy.  Nearly 4 years of this....

The fact of the matter is.....what's the likelihood of my actually going back to school?  It'll be years before I ever can afford something like that....and by then I'll probably be so miserable that I won't want to anymore.

Why don't I like nursing?  Well, I enjoy the classes I'm in, I really do!  I love Anatomy and Physiology - however difficult it may be....as for the regular "nursing" classes....maybe I only like them because now, as part of a group of students that will graduate together, it's easier to make friends since I see the same people every day....whereas the last 3 years it's been hard for me.
But I don't know....I just feel like there's something.......more......for me out there.  Like it's not my destiny.  I feel like I won't get any respect as a nurse....something that i really want because I feel as if I've been cheated out of it so far in my life.  I'm also afraid that I'll go through a nursing career always thinking "what if..." and feel like I just bowed to my mother's demands.

But the problem remains.....if I change majors....what would I go to?  I'm interested in far too many things to narrow it down....and my parents have got me believing that majoring in anything that I'm actually interested in would lead to a weak career....if a career at all.  Like I woud go into something that had nothing to do with my major, as i know happens all too often.

I had convinced myself that I'd use nursing as a stepping stone....use it to pay for future education...add on to it fields that i'm actually interested in to graduate from the cleaning-up-poop kind of nurse.  I mean, dont' get me wrong....I enjoy my current job at Heritage.  I don't mind helping people with their....evacuation problems.  But I just don't see myself doing it the rest of my life.  
But then, if I change majors, I might do that anyway!  I mean....I work with people in their 40's with two kids and that is what they do.  Every day.  I don't want that for myself...

But then I got thinking....does thinking that way....convincing myself that it's the best choice to make...does that mean I'm selling myself short?  I mean, I've always thought that way: "it's no big deal!" "no need to get upset" "don't let it bother you" "just accept it and move on"....and I've always been proud of that trait of mine.  But where do I draw the line?  What if, by thinking that way, I don't try to make things better for myself?  By just accepting my current fate, am I condemning myself to something "less" than what I could be?  But again, where should I go?  What is that better thing???  What is my path???

I spoke to my sister last night.  I finally broke down and voiced my concerns to her.  She told me that they really push the use of career counselors at her school.  I believe there are such people at Naz, but I always assumed they were there to help you find careers when you were ready.....like on the verge of graduation or something.  She suggests I go see one.  Maybe I should.  But what if they think I'm some moron for waiting this long? Or worse,  what if they suggest I take the course to help you determine a major (something which I've done....and it didn't help) and then push me out the door?  
I just don't know what to do. 

If anyone, ANYONE can offer their advise....I'd be most appreciative!